#1 Michelle Persaud, 27, Staff counsel
Okay, I have to hand it to you, Michelle. You actually are a hottie – I guess every town needs at least one. I truly appreciate the "business slutty" wardrobe that accentuates the ladies while not puckering congressional bungholes with actual cleavage. But let's be honest. You may be of harmless Guyanese stock, but you admit you look Iranian – so your cushy staff counsel days are numbered. Don't blame us, blame Ahmedinejad.
PS: I already hate the cliché, sycophantic writing in this feature. "Mocha skin"? Must we?

#2 Kevin Madden, 34, Spokesman for Majority Leader John Boehner
Kev here sure looks like he could deliver a really long statement that says absolutely nothing, just like a good flack.
One day a brave soul will turn to him and say, "Kevin, you're only attractive by D.C. standards. Don't you know this is the industry for hams too ugly to make it in show business? And your boss' name is Boner."

#3 Lauren Huly, 23, Communications director
Not to state the obvious, but a quick skim of the "article" attached to this chick's shockingly enormous veneers reveals that dear, dear Lauren *for sure* got her job as a congressional communications director straight out of college based on her professional qualifications and *not* because the good congressman could hypothetically owe Pa Huly a favor. And how has she performed on the job? "Who the hell is Rep. Louie Gohmert?"

#4 Elizabeth McDonough, 28, Legislative assistant
 Bet "Lizzy" did a little muff-diving in college. The writers hint at it shamelessly, calling her a "Jodie Foster look-alike." Tee-hee.

#5 Chris Phelen, 28, Legislative aide
Tom Cruise called. He wants his gay haircut back.

#6 Kimberly Hunter, 23, Assistant press secretary – DNC
She may have lost her Alabama accent, but honey hasn't lost the look! Leave the eyeliner to Joan Collins and the seersucker to the distinguished septuagenarian silver foxes down South, sugar.

#7 Jamie McInerney, 25, Legislative aide
Whooosh! Whooooooooosh!

#8 Noelle LuSane, 28, Committee aide
Poor Noelle. I bet she often has to giggle politely at her white colleagues that insist on employing vernacular such as "badunkadunk" and anything ending in "izzle."
Note: Get your self-conscious "people-of-color mental counter" started! You know those progressive kids over at The Hill sweated over the lack of black people in the countdown, so the least we can do is notice!

#9 Steve McBee, 38, CEO, McBee Stategic
McBee Stategic? No, seriously. That's what it says.

#10 Jimmy Parrish, 25, Legislative aid
Ugly bitches in D.C. may buy the whole Alaska ensemble as adorable and fuck you, but the rest of us know better. You look like an effing nerd.

#11 Alena Klimianok, legislative coordinator, D.C.'s shadow senator, Paul Strauss (D)
Not only is she #11 on this countdown of Hill hotties (which is really sad), but in her capacity as aide to D.C.'s shadow senator, she's tied for third for "The Hill's Least Powerfullest Job" with Ben D'Meover, Barbara Boxer's stylist.

#12 Anjulen Anderson, aide, Rep. Steve Buyer (R-Ind.)
This bitch is scary. Like, inbred over several generations of rough Norwegian ancestry eking out a living on the cold, unforgiving 19th -century frontier and rutting on each other with abandon to keep warm scary.

#13 Austen Jensen, aide, Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-N.C.)
Formerly of the Duke lacrosse team. "Can I put it in your ear, baby?" (belches).

#14 Austin Reinshuttle, Capitol Police officer
"I used to have a symmetrical face. Then I met former Georgia Rep. Cynthia McKinney…"

#15 Beth Zentmeyer
(Quoting): That's why Beth Zentmeyer, 22-year-old staff assistant to Rep. Tom Feeney (R-Fla.), doesn't even have a chair at her desk. Instead, she has a bright-blue inflatable exercise ball.
"So I can furtively masturbate."

#16 Brian Kaveney
He's one surgery away from fixing that lazy eye.

#17 Brooke Adams, spokeswoman, House Veterans Affairs Committee
Don't piss on Brooke. She may be a poor man's Jenny Garth, but she didn't lose the computers.

#18 Carmela Clendening, aide, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.)
As is appropriate for an aide to a San Francisco congresswoman, Carmela is a progressive young feminist of indeterminate ethnicity!
Note: P.O.C. count: 2!

#19 Edward Simon, aide, Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.)
(Quoting): Ed Simon has been told he looks like Hugh Grant; his wavy brown hair and bright blue eyes make this ring true.
 Maybe. If Hugh Grant and Napoleon Dynamite made sweet love and produced a slack-jawed knuckle-dragger like this guy.

#20 Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.)
The first actual officeholder on the list! Trailing after nubile young Ann Taylor patrons comes the honorable senator's shellacked, gleaming coif. The " Silver State" indeed!

#23 Jennifer Fisher, aide, Rep. Artur Davis (D-Ala.)
She's cringing slightly because they caught her on an O.W. ("obvious weave") day.

#24 House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio)
Again, with the Boner obsession, Capitol Hill! For shame!

#31 Maureen Ryan, aide, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.)
"Homosexuality is like bestiality and the morning-after pill is an abortifacient! I'm still a virgin because Rick only does me in my pooper!"

#33 Rep. Cathy McMorris (R-Wash.)
Simply this: Pshaw.

#34 Megyn Kendall, correspondent, Fox News
Awright! The Fox News bitches are where they belong – making awkward poses for a photograph to accompany an inane entry somewhere lost in the mid-30s of the Hill's Top 50! She's arrived!
BTW: Tasteful accentuations of the low-wattage boobage: The seemingly innocent but strategically long locket necklace. The wraparound sweater.

#35 Melanie Roussell, press secretary, Rep. William Jefferson (D-La.)
She's just glad she's talking to the media about something other than her boss removing a freezer full of $150,000 from his New Orleans house using National Guardsmen as escorts days after Hurricane Katrina.

#36 Melissa Rivord, Capitol Police officer
Who do you have to eat out around here to get a break on these Capitol parking tickets?

#44 Sam Arora, press aide, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's (D-N.Y.) reelection campaign
Nice plugs.

#45 Sara Parsons, aide, Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska)
NICE TEETH!

#49 Staci Maiers, congressional liaison, National Education Association
"Congressional liaison"? She's part of the vote-getting package! Meow!