I was bored last weekend, and there was nothing good on TV, so I decided to partake in one of my favorite features of digital cable: on demand porn. A lot of people have suggested that the on demand porn is not "hard core" enough, and I beg to differ. First, there are about 400 different titles available, so there is something for everyone. Second, cable keeps the soft core shit on Skinemax...if you want to watch "adult movies on demand," they are, in fact, ADULT, and include everything you might want in your porn: multiple position penetration shots, anal, blow jobs, bukkake, lesbians, threesomes, orgies, etc.

Since I am a woman, I need to have a little story in my porn. For example, I can't just watch scene after scene of Asian bitches banging each other with strap-ons without a little context, or I'll get bored. Therefore, I tend to pick my porn based on what the digital channel guide says is the premise. The more fleshed-out the porn storyline seems, the more likely I am to pay $10.99 for a six-hour rental. Hence, I immediately knew that when I came across the description for Ice-T's Pimpin' 101 ("Giving you a fascinating insight into the life of a pimp, legendary rap star Ice-T presents the full lowdown on how to live the life, introducing his hos, each of whom displays her special talents! Includes bonus video for new Ice-T track 'Swazy'"), it was a must-demand.

Although the quality of the pornography was extremely low-budget and poorly shot, I found this film to be very educational. Ice-T delivers what can only be called an essential primer for anyone trying to get involved in pimping, helping the viewer understand both industry lingo and techniques for dealing with different types of prostitutes in 6 informative lessons which I will summarize here. Furthermore, to illustrate his points, he includes a brief scene with each type of ho. Sort of like The Joy Luck Club, but instead of showing us the complicated relationships between four Chinese mothers and their American daughters, these novellas show us the complicated positions achieved by stank whores and their paying customers. Anyway, prepare to learn elementary pimpin':

Lesson 1: The Track Ho

Ice-T starts off by defining terms which he will use as part of his instruction. He defines "ho-in'" as "having sex for profit," and starts the audience off with the basics. "Trackin' is the first basic level of ho-in'", he explains. The "track" is actually a sidewalk or corner that your average street hooker is working. You know a track ho is worth her salt when she's invisible. In other words, "She better not be standin' on that corner...she better be up in a bedroom somewhere makin' that money." However, working the track is not for every would-be prostitute. It's tough out there, so "bitch got to have the NERVE along with the curve."

After this introduction, we get to see an example of a track ho (who is markedly better looking than any of the hookers I've seen strolling up and down South Tacoma Way) get picked up by a couple of disgusting dudes in a Hummer limo. Ice-T proclaims that the woman is "about to earn her ho stripes tonight." These gross bikerish dudes proceed to double stuff this poor woman, who looks miserable throughout the ordeal. The dude who spends most of this segment anally ramming her is hideous looking. Not only does he have a long, greasy braid in his hair, but his balls are shaved and he sweats like a fat man in a sauna. Furthermore, he keeps saying stupid shit while he's buttfucking/spanking her to his buddy like "I love smackin' hooker ass!" When they're done, they roughly eject her topless from their vehicle back out onto the track without even slowing down. Nice guys.

Lesson 2: The Carpet Ho

Ice-T pronounces this variety of prostitute as "the shrewdest of them all." Carpet hoes are women who dress up and go to casinos and clubs, seemingly to party. However, they will sniff out the big spenders and take any money they can as soon as possible, and have no qualms discussing the particulars of exchanging money for sex once they've found a mark.

In the demonstration, Ice-T is presumably invisible as a prototypical carpet ho enters a room with a very tall black man, because they pay him no notice when he points out that the man is a "multi-platinum rap star," but who is actually porn star Mr. Marcus, star of such fims as Butt BlASSted Too!, The Art of Interracial Group Sex, Black in the Ass 6, Choc Full a Nutt, and So Many White Women, So Little Time. Anyway, despite Ice-T's claims that carpet hoes are known for "getting they dress on", the woman in this segment is wearing a tube top emblazoned with the words "Got Money?," which isn't exactly what I would call classy fashion. Anyway, she does it with Mr. Marcus, who seems to have difficulty maintaining his erection throughout this segment. I guess this is so low-budget they couldn't afford fluff girls in addition to experienced camera, sound, and lighting guys. Anyway, after they have plain old vaginal sex in a few different positions, there's a money shot obscured by the inept camera work, and Mr. Marcus goes to take a shower. The second he's out of the room, the carpet ho gets dressed and steals his chains and other assorted bling that's just lying around. Ice-T shakes his head and pronounces her "scandalous."

Lesson 3: The Stripper Ho

Ice-T says that strippers are his favorite form of ho, because "they don't really believe they're hoes. They think they're entertainers." He isn't buying this, though, because he observes that "lap dancing is prostitution. Any time you press your ass against a man's genitals, it's prostitution." Then he directs us toward the VIP room at his strip club, the Ice Palace, telling us that "no disrespect to Chris Rock, but sometimes there IS sex in the champagne room."

Then he tells us that the dude he just admitted to the VIP area (which he then somewhat disturbingly locks from the outside) is a "toothpaste salesman from Milwaukee" about to find out for himself the availability of actual sex from strippers. First, he gives the stripper a fistful of cash, and then proceeds to go down on her for about 10 minutes of the most revolting cunnilingus ever. His teeth are incredibly yellow and unbrushed-looking, and I can't decide which is the bigger turn-off: his gross mouth or her gross ho pussy. Then she gives him an uninspired blow job and they have some awkward-looking sex on a couch, which bored me and rendered me unprepared for one of the most absurd lines of dialogue accompanying a money shot. "NO MORE FUCKING PTA MEETINGS! NO MORE LITTLE LEAGUE!" he shouts during his climax. I laughed out loud. What the hell does that have to do with ejaculating all over a stripper ho's ass?

Lesson 4: The Call Girl Ho

Ice-T proclaims this woman at "the top of the ho heap," as they earn top dollar, due to their appeal to "elderly cats and businessmen." Ice-T walks into a hotel room, where a traveling businessman he introduces as "Victor Henderson" is perusing the Yellow Pages for an escort service. Ice-T explains his mindset, saying that despite Victor having a wife and 4 kids, "there's something about being a man in a hotel room by yourself that makes your dick harder than it ever got in your life." So Victor orders up a pair of hookers, and Ice-T sticks around to point out all the things he does wrong. First, he pays the girls up front, then lets them out of his sight to take a shower (poorly veiled excuse for a boring lesbian scene). Ice-T proclaims him "a lucky man" when the girls reemerge from the shower, rather than bailing with the cash. Then Ice-T steps out to let Victor have his threesome with the hoes.

Like Mr. Marcus before him, Victor has a hard time keeping his dick hard despite the two Latina hookers busy servicing him. Then I realize why: one of the hookers has a veritable minefield of pimples on her ass! GROSS! Who wants to bang a chick doggystyle when every time you smack her ass, you pop a zit?! That is NOT SEXY. Again, most of this movie's budget must have been spent paying for Ice-T's velvet suits and not on quality porn stars. Why couldn't Ice-T have shelled out a little extra to get Jenna Jameson, or Chasey Lain, or Brianna Banks, or Tera Patrick, or Jessie Jaymes, or at least ONE recognizable female porn star in this movie? It takes money to make money, Tracy, so next time you host a pornographic correspondence course, get some A-list bitches in here to suck these ugly guys' limp dicks!

Lesson 5: The Wife Ho

Ice-T starts off knocking the institution of marriage by calling wives "the biggest ho of them all," because "free pussy always costs you more." He doesn't have much else to say about this, except to introduce the example of a couple on their wedding night. Apparently the porn star "bride" in this segment is still a virgin, so the porn star groom is "hard as Chinese arithmetic." Then Ice-T exhorts them to "get down to business, which they do.

Their business is the most soporific sex of this whole movie. I just have ZERO interest in watching a dude eat a chick out for 15 minutes. BOOOOOOORRRRRING. However, despite the tame oral sex exchange in this scene, there is a lot of humor. When the guy gets ready to finally stick it in, the woman jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom. When she comes back, she announces that she just got her period, and she has a headache anyway, so they should just cuddle. She goes happily to sleep, and the guy just lays there with an absolutely priceless look on his face. Awesome.

Lesson 6: The Porno Ho

I guess Ice-T thought that it would be a bad note to end the movie with the boring scene that just occurred, so he introduces the porno ho as an excuse for an orgiastic gangbang. First, he notes that the porno ho is "a complex breed", as they are surprisingly prudish despite their "freaky" profession. However, while at work, they are still hoes, no matter what they might say otherwise. Standing next to him is a shy-looking black girl, and Ice-T says that she got into porn because it was a "stepping stone" to conventional stardom. He smirks at her, then shouts, "Bitch, you about to suck some dick and take it up the butt! Now get yo' ass in there!"

What follows is a drawn out group sex scene featuring every actor from every vignette in the movie so far. Again, it's poorly shot (I mean, is it so hard to shoot a straight penetration shot? I don't want to watch some guy's ass bobbing back and forth, I want to see his dick in some stank vagina! That's porn cinematography 101!), so it's not particularly tittilating, but what comes next is.

The credits roll, then is the "bonus" video of Ice-T, which is basically him on the set, rapping to his own Sex Money Gunz track "Swazy" playing on a ghetto blaster in the background. Even better, this song is the opposite of what a self-proclaimed expert on pimping should be singing. Although there are lines like "once I bust I'm swazy" (swazy=gone), there's also lines like "I love a bitch, man, I could be with a bitch and I really want to marry her, it's something that goes on in my head I can't explain." That's kind of sweet, especially since he's rapping it almost romantically to his wife, Coco, who is bopping her head around to the beat and smiling lovingly at him. It's not good to perform a monument to being pussy whipped at the end of your how-to video about the professional sexual exploitation of women, Ice-T. Then again, this is Ice-T's modus operandi. Despite releasing a song called "Cop Killer", he repeatedly portrays police officers in movies (New Jack City) and TV ("Law and Order:Special Victims Unit"). The man is a walking contradiction. So go watch Pimpin' 101, if only to learn a thing or two and marvel at Ice-T's ridiculousness. It might not get you off, but it will certainly be an education.