Bryan decided to try to a bold and brazen approach to making me his Friendster fuck buddy, by sending me a message that asked directly "wanna fuck?". I guess I left out the part of my profile about how I don't like balding, ruddy men who sit in bed leering at little girls.

This asshole sent me the following message after stumbling across my profile (undoubtedly while on the lookout for new children to molest):

Subject: hey there

Message:

I love a girl with a dirty mind and a love of cock

I got a big one for you

all you have to do is ask

I can send u a picture if you want

hope to hear form you soon

oh yeah wanna fuck?

To which I responded:

no

and in my experience when a dude says he's got a "big cock" to give me he actually means a "three-inch cocktail weiner"

This got Bryan going, and he decided that he was determined to impress me by showcasing his inability to spell even simple words like "lying":

Message:

well I understand your uncertainty and idea that most guys would lie to you just to get in your pants, I am not one of those guys.

although I want to get in your pants I am not lieing about what is in mine. I can send you a picture if you really dont believe me hope to hear from you soon

I then replied:

well your face better be in the picture so i know it's yours

i will probably make fun of you

Undeterred, Bryan replied that this was impossible (as the picture in question was a self-portrait), but assured me that it was his, and sent me this:

I sent it a little something for size reference in ther for you now lets see what you got

Okay, so from a bird's eye perspective, your dick is as big as a can of Right Guard. Nothing makes me hotter than comparing penises to products that prevent armpit sweat and body odor. I'm willing to bet it's the "Travel Size" (ie: short) Right Guard. If this guy really wanted to give me a frame of reference he could have photographed his dick next to a ruler. Unfortunately, if he had done that, it probably would have shown 4 inches, tops, so hence the pit spray. And as for the "now let's see what you got"...? What I got is a can of pepper spray and a German Shepherd with a taste for sausage links, so you'd better stay the fuck out of Sugar Hill, pervo.

2. Leann/Latoya, the Cross-Country Lover

Despite the fact that on my Friendster page I don't have any reference to wanting to meet women for any type of romantic or sexual activity of any kind (hey, I made it before I came out as bisexual when I forgot that fucking chicks is fun and never updated it because obviously I'm not reeling in the hot catches on Friendster), this lady who intermittently calls herself Leanna and Latoya figured she could convert me:

Are you fucking kidding me? Apart from the fact that she seems to be missing some of her top front teeth on the left side, she also claims that she's 21. If this bitch is 21, then I'm 14. She looks old enough to be eligible for Social Security! Ironically enough, the caption on the above photograph on her page was "Latoya lookin' pretty." The caption on the photograph below was "Trendy Latoya." Because everyone knows the latest trend is to surround yourself with cheesy computer generated bubble stars...right before you ask the carny who took it if he can put it on a fake "Wanted" poster or a mug or something.

Allow me to add one more thing. This bitch lives in California. I live in New York. That means she's throwing out a nationwide net trying to score some Friendster pussy. Which means she's desperate. That desperation is evidenced by the fact that she put this crappy picture of her "fat black ass" on her Friendster page, ostensibly to lure in the ass men/women of the internet. If a toilet's eye view of your butt can't seduce the masses, then what can? But what she didn't count on is that the camera phone wasn't kind to her posterior...

...and that it's therefore not okay under any circumstances, no matter how desperate, to showcase it on the 'net unless your ass looks like Ki Toy Johnson's. Which Leann/Latoya's most certainly does not.

3. Yosef

Yosef also sent me a "smile," which made me immediately remind myself to remove all references to Chaim Potok and Elie Wiesel from my Profile.

Oy vey, that's all I have to say. Don't bother "smiling" unless you're a candidate for Hot Jew, which Yosef is NOT.

4. John the Midwestern Meditator

There's nothing more sexy than a middle-aged man in flyover country with a love of Bob Marley and metaphysical self-help books. That's why I was so psyched when this hottie sent me a "rose":

The caption on this photo was "it's all about god/dess". How sensitive and deep! Also, I love the statue of Ganesh behind you, John. It's obvious that he strategically placed this behind him to clue everyone in on what a spiritual type he is. Everyone knows that Asian religions are for sure the deepest. Therefore, claiming to be a Buddhist and decorating your house with statues of Hindu gods is a guaranteed method for scoring Friendster pussy. Also, putting pictures of yourself looking like a sweaty, blonde Hitler is always a surefire way to be a big hit with the ladies:

I am a little curious as to why a vegan has chosen to contact me, considering that my Friendster profile describes eating meat and hunting as some of my chief interests. Also I eschew recycling, regularly kill animals, and mock fruitcakes who claim that Gandhi is their favorite movie as if it's a sport, so I'm not entirely sure why John thought we might be able to meditate together. I guess that John, despite the fact that he tries to live simply so that others may simply live, is ultimately just like another horny guy...he read the "casual sex with ATTRACTIVE well-equipped men" line in the "Interests" section of my profile, and thought that he fit the bill:

If I could figure out a way to spell the sound of me snorting derisively, I would put that right here.

5. Paul

What is with these dudes who advertise themselves on Friendster in compromising positions with young children? I hate kids, and I'm not going to get turned on by shots of guys sitting around shirtless with some unlucky baby:

Damn, there's nothing sexier than a guy whose naked chest is covered with baby drool. Paul contacted me and figured that his combination of smooth talk and love of kids would be too much for me to resist.

A few things about your profile caught my attention. First, like all men I noticed how you looked. You are Beautiful. You sound like an appealing woman.

Take a look at my profile. And tell me more about you?

Look forward to hearing from you. I dont know how often you log on, even if you get this much latter please feel free to contact me.

I'm sure that after Paul stopped admiring my legendary beauty and my overwhelming appeal, he noticed that my profile indicates that I'm a little on the promiscuous side, and figured he'd get some. I don't know why guys think that just because I like to get some action, I don't have any standards. Those standards include literacy, attractiveness, and a more convincing line of bullshit than "You are Beautiful." In fairness, I did look at his profile. Not only does he spell numerous words incorrectly ("newspaper articals", "going clubing", "muschle cars"), but he claims that his favorite music is "Rock" and cites the Pet Shop Boys as an example. As much as "West End Girls" is an anthem for headbangers everywhere, I'm going to have to say that based on Paul's profile, he is not an appealing man (and that's including me giving him extra points for claiming that Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood is one of his favorite movies). Check minus, dude. You gets no love.

6. Erik, a Man of Many Weaknesses

Erik's strategy was to appeal to my intellect before proposing that we get together for some casual sex.

Subject: love your interracial contrast...

Message: Maybe a few other things too. Can you forgive my weakness for Margulis' full-throttle symbiosis take on evolution?

That and my weakness for imagining you and your Mandingo needs? :)

Warm regards,

Erik 917-555-5555 (hint, if you're up for it)

Oh, did you leave me your digits because you want to get together and give me the dicking of my life? Well, I'm pretty sharp, and I got the hint. But unfortunately, as much as I like seamen, I don't look to Caucasian Popeye impersonators who list their profession as "urban environmentalist" to satiate my aforementioned "Mandingo" needs:

I can't decide if Erik looks more like a scruffy Kenneth Branagh or that guy from "Perfect Strangers" who wasn't Balki Bartakomous. Either way, however, I don't think that I'll be hollering "ahoy" at him anytime soon, since despite his insistence that we'd be good together, I am not into screwing vegetarians who aspire to be hippies and spend their spare time kayaking in the disgusting-ass East River. Sorry, sailor, but I'll pass. Oh, and P.S. Huey, Dewey, and Louie called, and they want their hat back.

7. Justin, the Philosophizer

Justin sent me a Friendster "rose," then sent me a message to clarify his intentions:

Subject: trickster

Message: so the rose was overly dramatic. friendster told me it was gonna be a "smile." the point is this: how do you feel about coffee?

I feel fine about coffee...in fact, I drink a cup of it every morning and I do enjoy both its flavor and its caffeine. However, what I don't feel so positively about are sissy boys with long hair who ask girls out for coffee instead of drinks:

I've always hated long hair on guys, almost as much as I hate beaded hemp necklaces on them. The sparse goatee really rounds out the unemployed hippie degenerate look. If I wanted to go out with a guy who looked like this I never would have left the greater Seattle area. I also think that guys who ask girls out for coffee are fucking cheap, and if you're trying to get laid, you need to buy a bitch some alcoholic drinks. He claims to be getting a Ph.D. in philosophy, and I can only imagine that this coffee date would be spent talking in circles about a bunch of esoteric bullshit. I met this other philosophy grad student once, and he strolled into my apartment, checked out the bookshelf, spied LL Cool Jew's copy of The Philosophy of Right , and said, "Oh, wow, it's not often that I meet a true Hegelian." I responded, "I'm not. That's my roommate's. And she's not either....she just never sold any of her books back in college. I can't be bothered with philosophy. I'm a fucking scientist. I don't waste my time thinking about thinking, or whatever you philosophy types do." Then he was all offended because I had disparaged Friedrich Hegel and his chosen field of study, and spent the rest of the night pouting and being passive-aggressive and bitchy. What an idiot.

Plus, I like guys with ambition and clear career goals (in other words, guys who are in my league), and any dipshit getting a doctorate in philosophy has very limited professional opportunities and an income potential of zilch. What the hell do you do with that degree besides assert your false sense of intellectual superiority while acting as a social parasite? Justin should keep his $1.25 to take some other easily impressed bitch out for coffee. I'm going to hit a bar and find me a real man.

8. Rich the Wisened Idahoan Exhibitionist

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

This was precisely my reaction when Rich, a guy from my "extended network," sent me this frightening proposition:

Subject: hello

Message: hey sexy, im looking for friends into public sex, c2c exhibitoists, i love to be naked and be watched cumming, lets go to a public park and masturbate in daytime, what r ur nastiest thoughts?, trade pics?

I looked at Rich's profile, and this message went from kind of gross to genuinely disturbing when I saw what he looked like:

Hmmm. Let's think about the balls Rich has to think that I would be interested in this. I am a 27-year-old, reasonably attractive, physically fit woman living in New York City. Rich is a 53-year-old ATV enthusiast who runs a hardware store in Smelterville, Idaho. Yes, it's very likely that I'm going to contact Rich and take him up on his offer to talk dirty and violate public decency laws. I'm merely relieved that Rich doesn't love being naked so much that he has featured pictures of him in the buff on his Friendster page. However, he was kind enough to feature this picture of one of his fellow "c2c exhibitionists," ostensibly to lure me into his naughty circle of debauchery:

Wow. There's nothing more seductive than a bleached blonde walrus enjoying the romance and intrigue of a Danielle Steel novel in naught but her steel-toed Aryan Nation militia boots. I'd better dig out some naked pictures of me to send Rich right away, because I'm certainly in the same league as this heifer. Anyway, then Rich decided to really tempt me with the prospect of the good times I'd have with him.

Subject: hey sexy

Message: lets smoke some good weed and drink some and get all fucked up!

Well, God knows I would have to be impaired to get in the middle of one of Rich's fat elderly redneck sandwiches. Probably more impaired than a hit of Idaho chronic and a half-rack of Beast would get me. Thanks for trying to sweeten the deal, Rich, but I'm still going to have to pass on the prospect of naughty times in Smelterville.

Most of the time, I don't bother corresponding with any of the rejects (I just express my thoughts about them in a more appropriate forum, like this web site), but occasionally one comes along that I just can't quietly embarrass on RAZZY.org. Rich is one of these. I felt it was my duty as a human being to discourage Rich from carrying on this way, as at the very least, somebody might see him naked and be permanently traumatized. Furthermore, on his profile, he wrote that he is interested in "women of his age and lifestyle." This motherfucker needed to be told in no uncertain terms that I am his peer in neither category. So I wrote:

i think if i saw you masturbating in a public place, i would alert the nearest police officer. the last time i checked, most women aren't into having sex with the skeezy creep flashing them in a park.

it's really unfortunate that you are such a serious exhibitionist, because if there's one thing the world needs less of, it's geriatric sexual deviants subjecting an unsuspecting public to their withered genitalia.

regrettably, i'm going to have to decline your invitation.

Rich responded:

tks for writing back, i typed in public sex and ur name was on the list, u should change that, and im not into flashing unsuspecting women only the one im with, not looking for jail time, and its still nice and hard, not withered sorry to dissapoint u

How is it that you can now search for Friendsters on the basis of their interest in "public sex"? And why does my name come up? Admittedly, I've listed "exhibitionism" as an interest on my profile, but more in a "Girls Gone Wild" way than a lurking molester way. For example, last night I went to a Mardi Gras party and made a point to drunkenly earn some beads (I earned more than any other bitch at the party, BTW...when I left that shit I had more tacky-ass bling around my neck than Jermaine Dupri). I've also listed "sex" as an interest, but I also note that I'm only interested in ATTRACTIVE guys. It's unbelievable how many hideous trolls think that this describes them. In any event, I guess I should change my profile, because it's really unfair for me to be leading on innocent dirty old men.

9. Adam the Intentionally Cryptic Artiste

So this guy, Adam, sent me a smile. He's an artist who studied at one of the most prestigious schools of design in the world: the University of Hartford. His artistic talents are evident, as only a true master of the visual form would obscure his face in shadow:

Now this half-lit face trick has been used by other creative virtuosos to enhance their enigmatic mystique, like the Phantom of the Opera, for example. He seems like a dark and mysterious character, what with all that pipe organ fugue music, so I can see why Adam wanted to assume his attributes. I guess he forgot that the Phantom of the Opera was also HORRIBLY DISFIGURED! Or maybe he didn't. Either way, I'm betting that there's something very, very wrong with the right side of Adam's face. While Adam might be my go-to guy if I need someone to tell a scary story the next time I'm sitting around a campfire, he's just not up to scratch according to Razzy Fuckability Standards. Sorry, bro, but you'll just have to take that flashlight off your face and focus it back on your copy of The DaVinci Code. Tool.

10. Manu, "A Great Time" Just Waiting to Be Had

Manu/Mathew decided to distract me from his effete ribbed merino charcoal gray turtleneck and over-coiffed hair by liberally doling out generic compliments and vague promises of future fun.

Subject: hey
Message: i think you have a great smile and i could give you a great time! if you wanna know more reply
mathew

Hey, sport, if you're looking for a fag hag, I'm not your girl. My idea of a "great time" does not involve seeing Harry Connick, Jr. in the Broadway revival of "The Pajama Game." And while I do like shoe shopping, I know plenty of gay guys to accompany me around SoHo already. Not even that sexy bar full of liquor behind Manu is compelling enough to make me "wanna know more." If I am in the market for a great time, I'm not going to call someone who looks like the guy from Milli Vanilli that killed himself.

11. Colonel Damion

As much as I love a man in uniform, I'm not taking my brand of sarcastic, mean-spirited entertainment on the USO tour anytime soon, so I was surprised when Damion, a Marine, sent me a smile.

In addition to semper-ing fi and apparently always standing at attention in his dress blacks, Damion also is an avid practitioner of the Baha'i faith. I'm not really sure what Baha'i is all about, but it sounds to me like a more hippified version of unitarianism...semi-progressive and bland enough to appeal to all sorts without really taking a position on anything. On the U.S. Baha'i webpage, there's a bunch of hokey rhetoric about "the human family" and "humanity is reaching its long-awaited maturity." I don't know how being Baha'i fits in with shouting "hoo-rah" and taking out insurgents in Fallujah or wherever, but Damion's career in the Corps seems a bit incongruous with someone who rabidly follows a religion that advocates our collective species maturing into "universal peace and universal brotherhood."

Clearly Damion is pretty progressive compared to the average jarhead, because when I checked out his musical tastes, he says he likes Hip Hop, particularly "Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Common, Jurassic 5." No Dr. Dre, Snoop, Young Jeezy, T.I., Chamillionaire, any Cash Money Millionaire, Too $hort, Webbie, or any other rapper who might take a break from complaining about oppression long enough to brag about the bad bitches they're bagging. On top of that, all of his testimonials describe him as "one of the kindest people I've ever met", "deep" (likely due to his devotion to Baha'i), "a gentleman with a good sense of humor," and "an absolute sweetheart." In other words, more boring than watching Driving Miss Daisy while on Xanax, and the type who probably keeps his shirt on during the soporific missionary position sex he has once every five years.

I don't think we'd make a good couple, either, because he desires to meet "People who have something positive to do and say!" Well, with the exception of "yes, let's go back to my place, Hot Guy/Guy Who I Think is Hot Because I'm Drunk," I rarely say or do ANYTHING positive. In fact, quite the opposite. Therefore, I'll be true to myself and say to Damion, that's a negative, Ghost Rider. The pattern is full.

12. TT Boy/Krishna

This dude was looking for a date and figured he could squire me around town to Starbucks and a movie. I was immediately suspicious of him because of the blurry picture he has for his profile. That blurriness is a trick favored by those with horrible skin conditions or unappealing features to duplicitously swindle a person looking at the photograph into believing that the subject is more attractive than he actually is.

Hello, I hope you're well.

After reading your profile, I thought I would write and ask if you'd like to meet for a chat over coffee. I saw you're interested in movies - perhaps we could see one some time.

Have a good weekend.

Krishna

I normally despise guys who ask me out for coffee, and this dude is no exception. As I've said many times before, I think it's fucking cheap. Also, while I drink lots of coffee, I am not the unwashed, unemployed sort who fritters away the day listening to open mike poetry at some coffeehouse. I get my coffee and GO. If you want to get to know me on a date, your ass better find its way to a barstool and pony up for some scotch. In addition to the two strikes against TT/Krishna, I checked his profile and he's MARRIED. Yes, this asshole is actively cruising Friendster for adulterous dates without even attempting to keep his marital status a secret. While I've had sex with a good many dudes who were not single and not with me, I do draw the line somewhere, and that line falls at not going out with scrawny, 45-year-old, espoused cheapskates.

Furthermore, his profile is one of the most absurdly pretentious things I've ever seen given who and what he actually is: a non-tenure track academic who lectures kids at the City College about non-profits looking for some inexpensive and low-maintenance extramarital nookie on Friendster. He describes himself as "I'm a friendly, relaxed, gregarious Guru who struts the streets of Manhattan with the air of a confident alley cat...I consider life an exciting ride to be enjoyed as much as possible despite the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. My personal life mission is to make the world a better place to live in, especially for those less fortunate and emotionally unstable. I ask that you join me in sustaining my campaign of compassion!"

I think it goes without saying that this asshole disgusted me. I responded as follows:

I don't go out with married guys.

I figured this was short and to the point. I could write a book about everything else that prevents him from meeting even my loosest standards. I assumed he'd dig through the rest of the social networking shitshow that is Friendster and find another more willing mistress. Instead, he decided to lay some sort of weird you-don't-know-what-you're-missing guilt trip on me:

Ok no probs, thanks for writing back. It's a pity, though, we share similar interests in movies and ar eboth CU PhDs, it would have been nice to have taken you to see one of the new horror ones. Oh well, good luck in your search.

Be kind to yourself and to the Earth.

Peace and warmth,

Krishna

Oh, oops, he got a Ph.D. at Columbia?! Well, cancel my declination, because there's NOTHING and I mean NOTHING that would make me happier than meeting yet another unattractive dude affiliated with Columbia's Graduate School of the Arts and Sciences. We have SO much in common, except his ass probably defended his thesis in 1985. And what's this hippified "be kind to yourself and to the Earth" admonitory sendoff? Fuck that! I'm not letting this slide:

And you be kind to yourself and your wife. A good way to do that is not scour Friendster for other women to proposition.

Fucking asshole. I'm not going to let him get away with thinking he's a sweetheart because of his campaign of compassion and imperative environmentalist sentiments. He didn't like being called on his shady internet activities, though.

Boy, you sure are coming down hard with the morality sermons! I do indicate on my profile that I am married (happily) so those who wish to can simply say "No thanks."

I just asked you for a chat and a movie, nothing else. Why don't you read my profile? I'm just asking for friendship (the site is named Friendster after all).

I can see you're not interested, so let it be.

Be well.

:) K

Friendship? Then why is "dating (women)" the first thing in his fucking profile?

He says "morality sermon", and I say "calling him the asshole he is." Tomato, to-mah-to, potato, po-tah-to...it's all the same thing. I told him so:

Actually, I did read your profile, and it says you are looking for women to date.

Your morality is your business (and since you are a self-proclaimed "Guru", I am sure you know everything about morality), but I frankly think that guys cruising the internet trying to set up dates (whatever your completely unclear intentions may be) are assholes. And I'm more than happy to let my opinion be.

I didn't even need to call him on it, though, because he demonstrated his assholish nature in his next e-mails:

Hmmm, looks like you have something else up your bum, chum! Really, I expected more of a CU student in the way of manners, but then again, they do tend to let a few outliers (and in your case, outliars) slip through.

I'm not sure what I supposedly lied about. Maybe I should have specifically stated that one thing I do not want in my bum are dudes with WIVES.
It's obvious you're unhappy - I mean, it's 2003 and you don't even know when you're going to graduate?

Actually, dumbass, it's 2007, and if he REALLY had that CU Ph.D. he's boasting about, he'd know that the average time for a doctorate in the biomedical sciences is 5-6 years.

And it's doubtful that you'll even become a professor/research scientist upon graduation - you seem pretty klutzy to me so I anticipate at least one or two post-docs 4 u before you even land a proper job. In other words you'll always be dumb and under the thumb - probably an asshole like you appreciates that ;)

I'm not "cruising the Internet" as you put it so very crudely. I am merely looking and trying to make acquaintances, just like you. Please don't hide behind your profile like a coward and say mean things - it's most unbecoming. Even pirates (real ones) have their standards!

Well, the last time I checked the pirate code, there was nothing in it about beating back unwanted suitors with some strong verbage. In fact, the only thing I know is that if you request "parley", they don't try to kill you until Jack Sparrow gets on board and involves himself in that whole Aztec gold/Bootstrap Bill hullabaloo.

If you think you're such hot shit, why don't you meet me and we'll discuss it with a duel of words? Or are you too chicken to do that? I suppose I shouldn't have even asked that - you're probably a guy anyway masquerading as a weird babe.

May you find some peace.

:) Your Guru, Krishna

I love how this asshole keeps signing everything "Your Guru," like he's Gandhi or Paramahansa Yogananda or some badass spiritual leader. Bitch is a cheating husband and sucks at coming up with original insults. There were a couple more e-mails from him that were more of the same have-some-manners-you-fat-cow type of contradictory bullshit, so after I told him to quit e-mailing and he didn't oblige, I sent him the URL of this page and informed him that I'd be placing his correspondence here, so I can't wait to see what type of bullshit legal threats he's going to send me via e-mail. All I can say is that's what you get for harassing strangers over the internet when you're an old, unappealing, married man. In fact, I believe it's known as KARMA, guru.